Life after a heart attack is challenging. Each month there are new challenges to face. At month 5, having moved across the country to start a new life, looking back on my old life is difficult. Bad memories of my life post 9/11. The sense of loss, the dissociation, lost friends, inability to make my life come together weighs on my mind. The resulting heart attack from the pressure pushed me to make change that I was unable to make after the terrorist attack.
Unfortunately I drag with me memories, feelings of inadequacy, fear, anxiety and even the same terror that results in becoming frozen. Like a rabbit with pounding heart and eyes wide open that can fall over and die, I have to work hard to not repeat the pattern.
Yesterday I knew I had to change my brain to survive. The only way (other than medication) I know to make sufficient change is through meditation. I’ve dabbled before but never really created a practice. So I hit the web to find meditations. Really? A whole page of just one meditation. I found many long winded meditations to relieve stress and anxiety about money. (My current major stressor) I put on Spotify to my meditation and relaxation music channel and hit the couch.
It seemed impossible. Too many thoughts, lack of repetition skills to get through even 10 seconds. Then a chant, meditation or affirmation came to my mind. I have no idea where it originated, but the simplicity was brilliant. And I used it throughout the day yesterday. Using it today. It may become a tattoo. Who knows?
‘I walk in the light of the Universe’. That’s it. With it came an image of me standing under a bright spotlight over my head. Darkness everywhere around me. The light large enough to shed some rays around me. But no demons to see, no fears, no panic. Just me, in the light of the Universe.
It’s all I need right now. To know that I walk in the light of the Universe. I am not alone.