There’s a pattern with heart attack survivors that most people aren’t aware of because it’s like a low grade fever.  To the person on the outside, we look fine, seem normal and act similar to before the event.

But inside out brains many survivors wonder if ‘this’ is another heart attack.  Hyper-aware of changes in our bodies causes stress, anxiety and for some people, PTSD. I get this little pushing feeling in my heart, sort of like a little finger pushing at my chest from the inside.  It’s not painful, just a weird sensation.  Someone suggested that I’m just over thinking and over feeling.  Could be.  So what if that’s true?!

And better that it’s not.  The ‘over thinking’ part.  Getting to know your body better is a great thing.  Understanding what it feels like when eating certain foods, knowing the difference between being tired and fatigued.  What’s most important is to know that the anxiety can be managed with meditation and being present.  Being present, recognizing what the feelings are and then let the anxiety go.

I bet you’re wondering why I’m writing this today.  Yeah, it’s been bumpy for the last week.  I’m moving across country with very little money and no job.  Living in Nashville has been painful in many ways, and also a bundle of learnings.  But my heart is in Northern California.  There’s a better chance for work and old friends within an hour’s drive.

The anxiety of how to accomplish this move, what I can keep, what has to go and can fit in the car (not much in my itty bitty car) and where will I stay when I land there.  I wake up every night around 3am.  Sweating and anxious.  I stay awake for about an 60-90 minute period and then fall back to sleep.

Last night was different.  My jaw was aching–and I finally understood what that meant as a precursor to a heart attack for many women.  I also had an upset stomach and had to run to the bathroom multiple times.  THAT is familiar from my heart attack.  I lost around 7 lbs from my intestines shutting down.

But this morning when I finally got out of bed this morning none of the symptoms were present.  But I’m a little on edge…wondering if they’re going to come back.

This can make someone crazy.  Right?  Fortunately, as I hear from friends, this will pass.  But the knowledge of your body is important.  It can drive us to eat well, not over eat because indigestion can freak you out.

Just had to share this since I was up in the middle of the night wondering WTF.